Dreaming

I'm dreaming again... about him... Why always him? Why can't I completely close that part of myself? The dreams are never about the reality of things, always the "what if" and "what could have been if only" parts. I swear I am going to drive myself insane. I am truly, deeply in love with my husband. So why the dreams of him? Maybe its the important milestone coming up or the fact that someone is flying in to help celebrate said milestone. I don't know. Its all just so confusing. In my waking life I rarely, if ever, think about him. Until I dream. Then that next day I can't help but think of him and only him. I try so hard to hate him, but I just can't.

Last night was really the weirdest of them. I can't remember most of it but I do remember running into him, not really recognizing him and then it was like someone flipped a switch and I said "HEY!" and he told the guys he was with "She actually acknowledge my existence, I will catch up with you guys in a little bit." About this time I feel something moving inside me and I look down and am pregnant. He comes over to hug me, runs into my belly and says "who is this" to which of course my reply is "That would be *name*" and his face broke out into a huge smile like it was the greatest news he'd heard all day. Then we start talking and I don't remember the conversation as clearly as the rest because Sammy woke me up trying to get under the blankets.

So that brings me to where I am now. What does it mean? NOTHING like that ever even remotely came close to happening. In fact, when I was at that stage he barely acknowledged my existence, let alone be happy to see me. Am I trying to rewrite a painful part of my past? Am I trying to convince myself that he really isn't the wretched horrible human being I have come to ignore? I don't hate him, I can't bring myself to do that, but I also don't really feel anything towards him. If anything I guess it would be sort of an apathy towards him. There are so many times I wish he would pick up the phone and call (NOT me) or send an letter or even an email. Hell, at this point I would settle for just a "he says hi to *name*" through a third person. Is that so much to ask.

I think mostly right now I would love to sit down with him and pick his brain. Ask all the questions that always come up when I dream about him. Get a straight answer for once. Just once to be able to cut through all the bullshit and not have to worry about his stupid wife (whom I've never liked, even before they were married) or what she thinks. I know she hated if/when I was ever talked about.

Why can't I just let go completely? I hate that I second guess myself because of him. As a mother and as a person. Ugh... I just hate all the questions that come up! Its been ages since this has happened and I hate the way it feels. I can't even get to the bottom of anything because of life circumstances being what they are.

364 days out of the year I know I am good person. I know I am a good mother. I know I am a good wife. So why is it that this one day a year I have so much doubt? I hate that he can still do this to me without even knowing anything about it!