Go back to work already!

Just because I say "I need to do X" does not mean I will jump right up and go do it right then and there! UGH

I want to preface the rest of this by saying I love my husband. I honest and truly, no foolin love him. I also get very cranky when certain aspects of my life are mixed up. I *need* a routine. I have certain ways that I do certain things and when it doesn't happen the way it normally does for an extended period of time (about 6 days is the usual breaking point LOL) I get cranky. REALLY cranky!

DH has been on leave for a little over a week. Goblin's grandmother was also here for a week (we took her to the airport last night). My routine is in shambles. I haven't been able to do laundry in almost two weeks. I am down to my last pair of underwear which are from my skinnier days. Do you have any idea how grumpy one gets when they have to wear underwear that is too tight?

This morning DH asks me "what are we doing today?" My answer? "Laundry" which for some reason makes his reply really snarky. I don't remember what exactly he said but it had something to do with going to Patriot's Point, which I am all for doing before he goes back to work on Monday, but not only am I out of clean underwear, but I am out of clean pants too. I am wearing a pair of shorts right now and its a little chilly outside IMO to be wandering around in shorts.

After I started laundry I remembered I still need to go to Costco for Goblin's party supplies and (to my*self*) commented that I forgot I still needed to do that. DH's answer? Let's kennel the dog and head out! Sorry, no clean, well fitting undies so I can't go right this second. So he pouts...

A few minutes ago I commented I wished Moe's was closer because I wanted a burrito as big as your head. (seriously, those things are huge!) His answer? Look to see if there was one near Costco. There is one on the same road, but that road is loooooong so I innocently say "Where on Sam Rittenberg is it?" He rattles off the address... like THAT is supposed to help! I am the type of person that needs landmarks to get places. Not street names, not directions like Turn north on Main street then east on 1st" I don't remember where on Sam Rittenberg it is because I don't travel that road much. There are like 2 of them that I know where they are because they are near places I go often.

*sigh* So now he is outside with the dog, sulking and probably smoking because one again the big meanie wife didn't do what he wanted when he wanted to do it. Not to mention the fact that I have told him like 3 times in the last hour that she needed her afternoon walk.

Is it Monday yet?

Dreaming

I'm dreaming again... about him... Why always him? Why can't I completely close that part of myself? The dreams are never about the reality of things, always the "what if" and "what could have been if only" parts. I swear I am going to drive myself insane. I am truly, deeply in love with my husband. So why the dreams of him? Maybe its the important milestone coming up or the fact that someone is flying in to help celebrate said milestone. I don't know. Its all just so confusing. In my waking life I rarely, if ever, think about him. Until I dream. Then that next day I can't help but think of him and only him. I try so hard to hate him, but I just can't.

Last night was really the weirdest of them. I can't remember most of it but I do remember running into him, not really recognizing him and then it was like someone flipped a switch and I said "HEY!" and he told the guys he was with "She actually acknowledge my existence, I will catch up with you guys in a little bit." About this time I feel something moving inside me and I look down and am pregnant. He comes over to hug me, runs into my belly and says "who is this" to which of course my reply is "That would be *name*" and his face broke out into a huge smile like it was the greatest news he'd heard all day. Then we start talking and I don't remember the conversation as clearly as the rest because Sammy woke me up trying to get under the blankets.

So that brings me to where I am now. What does it mean? NOTHING like that ever even remotely came close to happening. In fact, when I was at that stage he barely acknowledged my existence, let alone be happy to see me. Am I trying to rewrite a painful part of my past? Am I trying to convince myself that he really isn't the wretched horrible human being I have come to ignore? I don't hate him, I can't bring myself to do that, but I also don't really feel anything towards him. If anything I guess it would be sort of an apathy towards him. There are so many times I wish he would pick up the phone and call (NOT me) or send an letter or even an email. Hell, at this point I would settle for just a "he says hi to *name*" through a third person. Is that so much to ask.

I think mostly right now I would love to sit down with him and pick his brain. Ask all the questions that always come up when I dream about him. Get a straight answer for once. Just once to be able to cut through all the bullshit and not have to worry about his stupid wife (whom I've never liked, even before they were married) or what she thinks. I know she hated if/when I was ever talked about.

Why can't I just let go completely? I hate that I second guess myself because of him. As a mother and as a person. Ugh... I just hate all the questions that come up! Its been ages since this has happened and I hate the way it feels. I can't even get to the bottom of anything because of life circumstances being what they are.

364 days out of the year I know I am good person. I know I am a good mother. I know I am a good wife. So why is it that this one day a year I have so much doubt? I hate that he can still do this to me without even knowing anything about it!